J-O-B: High School Art Teacher

  I’ve had about 300 jobs, but this is one of the few that belongs on my GOOD SHIT blog.
Timeclocking with Winch
Issue #2: 
High School Art Teacher
(long-term sub assignment) 

I always start the day with a question to get the students thinking about important issues:  “A lot of the good bands had mascots.”  At least it seems that way.  “Screamin’ Jay had Henry, his skull on a stick.  Alice Cooper had his snake Yvonne.”

“Iron Maiden had Eddie the Head.”

“Exactly.”  Case closed.  “If you had a band, what mascot would you have?”

“My mascot would be the Michelin Man.”

“How come?”

“Cuz my band would be called the Michelin Men.”

“Awesome.  What about you Meagan?”

“My mascot for my band would be my man.”









“If you were trapped on an island and could only take three things, what would they be Meagan?”

“An Ipod and a boat.  And my man.”

“What about you, Tristan?”

“I’d take food, flint, TV, Meagan, a waterbed, music, duct tape and shoes.”

“What if you could only take three?”

“That’s easy.  Food, Meagan, and a waterbed.”

“Just the essentials, eh?”


“What about you Sally?”

“I’d take my girlfriend, some seeds, and a hut.”

“Excellent.”  That should do the trick.  “What about you Joe?”

“I’d take a gun, a survival knife, and a girl.”

“Uh-huh.”  I believe it.  “What about you, Hailey?”

“I’d bring a roll of duct tape, a bag of food, and bottle of nail polish.”

“Indeed.”  What’s life without nail polish.  “What about you, Jeremy?”

“I’d bring a fridge full of food, a lute, and a Toyota Celica.”



“Thanks.” That kid’s always got my back.








“You know Mr. Winch.  I feel like my goals in life are different than most people’s.”

“What’s your goals?”

“I just wanna ride a wild rhinoceros.  That’s it.”








“Anybody do anything interesting over the weekend?”

“I played a lot of video games and ate a lot of sweets.”

“Cool.  Anybody else?”

“Me and my friends had a Silly-String fight in the middle of the night.  All over the neighborhood.”

“Cool.”  That sounds like some good old-fashioned fun.  “Anybody else?”

“On Saturday night, this guy OD’ed on heroin in my kitchen.”

“He died?”









“Oh no.”

“You okay, Ashley?”

“I can’t stand up.”

“How come?”

“I think I just glued myself to my chair.”








“Check it out, Mr. Winch.  We’ve got mustaches.”

“Uh-huh.”  Thanks for sharing.

“Can I dip my bare feet in a bucket of paint and put footprints on the wall.”

“Sure.”  Why not.


“What’s she doin’?”

“Puttin’ footprints on the wall.”

“Can I do that too?”

“Go for it.”

“What about painting my eyeballs with acrylic paint?  Can I do that?”

“No way.”  That’s not a good idea.

“There’s no way that can hurt you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah huh, I read that.”

“On the internet?”

“Where else.”
















“You know with the internet, there’s really no reason to have school no more.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, if you wanna know something, you just Google it.”

“But at school, you get to paint footprints on the artroom wall.”

“That’s true.”








“Can Ewalanii cut people’s hair?”

“Just clean up the mess.”

“Can she get art credit for it?”

“Sure.”  I don’t see why not.  “Just clean up the mess.”

“Of course.  We know what to do to make Winch happy so we can do what we want.”

“Good.”  I’m glad you figured that out.

“Just don’t play dubstep.  That makes Winch change into a different person.”

“I know, I’ve seen that happen.”








“Hey Mr. Winch.”


“Did you know that race car spelled backwards is race car?”

“Cool.”  When you’re subbing, you learn something new every day.









“You know what, Mr. Winch?”

“What’s that?”

“Bodily functions are hilarious.”

“Yep.”  That’s true.
















“What’s happening?”

“Nuh’un, Mr. Winch.  What’s up with you?”

“I dunno.”  Just checking on the progress of the projects.  “Whaddya up to?”

“Nothin’ too much.  I’m just trying to waste some time.”









“Does anybody want to learn calligraphy?”



“You got all the pens and stuff?”

“Yeah.”  I came prepared today.

“That’s sick, Mr. Winch.”

“Sick as in cool?”

“That’s right.  It’s tight.  Calligraphy is cool.”

“Want me to show you how to do it?”



“I’m not really interested in that.”















“Hey Jesi, what kinda chips are those?”










“Rowe sucked.”

“That’s what I said.”

“I hated that middle school.”

“Same here, I hated it too.  I got expelled two times at that school.”




























“Hey Mr. Winch, what was your favorite year of your life?”


“But it just got started.”









“I can’t picture a teacher havin’ fun outside of school.”

“Probably because that never happens.”

“That’s what I thought.”









“Mr. Winch, I need to talk to you.”

“What’s the deal?”

“I need to talk to you about your wife.”

“My wife?”  I don’t have a wife.

“She’s giving me too much work.”

“My wife?”

“Isn’t Mrs. Lynch your wife?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh, I thought she was.”

“Why’d you think that?”

“Your last names kinda sound the same.”

“But if we were married, they would be exactly the same.”

“Oh yeah.  That’s true.”








And then there’s parental involvement: “I dunno why all my kids have such a bad attitude about school.  I tell them that school is like a prison sentence.  You’ve just gotta do your time.”




















“I went to an Iron Butterfly concert last year.”

“Really?”  I can’t say I’ve done that.

“Man, those guys are old.”











“Jez, you scared me, Mr. Winch.  For a sec, I thought you were Jesus talking to me.”

















“Dang Dixon, you’re tripped out.”

“Dang Mike, I know that.”

“It seems like you’re high on drugs all the time.”

“I just did so many drugs in my life that it changed my personality.”

“But you’re not stoned right now?”

“No, but a stoned state of mind is like a permanent part of me.”


















“Mr. Winch, how many seasons are there?”

“Four.”  Last time I checked.

“I thought there was five.”

“Nope.”  Just four.  “Winter, spring, summer and fall.”

“But what about autumn?”

“Oh yeah.”  I forgot about that one.  “I guess that makes five.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“I’m glad you set me straight.”

“If you’re gonna be a teacher, you probably should know stuff like that.”






















“Hey Mr. Winch.”


“Thanks for being our art teacher.”

“No sweat.”  This kid stole my heart the moment I met her.

“Okay.  Hopefully I’ll see you later.”


“Are you gonna come back sometime?”

“Of course.”  This is my school.  “You’re not gettin’ rid of me that easy.”

“Okay good.  Gimme the deuce.”

“Huh?”  I have no idea what she’s talking about.  “Whaddya mean?”

“The deuce.”

“Oh.”  I get it.  “Peace out.”

















“I just want to let you all know how much I enjoyed this sub assignment.”  It was the best one so far.  “It wouldn’t have been the same without all you folks.”

“Yeah, it woulda been pretty boring without us, Mr. Winch.  It woulda just been a room with a bunch of chairs and tables.”

“Yep.”  That’s true.

“Mr. Winch.”


“Your dad must’ve been a real butthole.”

“Huh?”  I don’t think talking about my dad like that is appropriate.

“Your dad must’ve been a real butthole, cuz you’re the shit.”

“Oh.”  Thanks, Kayla.


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